Rough Week...

It's been a rough week... I am not ready to talk about what James and I have lost.  I can't even think about it without crying and feeling empty. I know the time will come when it will be easier, but now is not that time.  I'm not ready to relive it, revisit it, rehash it... or anyother re- thing that means I have to open up about it. James says I've cried enought... but I feel like if that's true the tears wouldn't come so easy.

I know jealousy is normal. I know jealousy is something everyone deals with, but I feel so damn guilty for feeling jealous. I want everyone's life to be the perfect story they want it to be. I know I'm extremely lucky and should embrase what I have, which for the most part I do. I had the perfect life a month ago... a month.... 30 days... and now it's perfect with a side of jealousy and heart ache. It's hard to fight with myself over being happy for people I care about and sad for myself.

I tell myself everything you are suposed to tell yourself. "Everything happens for a reason", "It'll get better/easier", "It will happen when it's supposed to happen", "This just wasn't the right time"... I can say/think these all day but it still doesn't fill the hole in my stomach or the green room at the end of the hallway.

I am a strong person and I know life will give James and I what we are supposed to have, but I have a nagging feeling that it won't happen on my timeline. I have always had timelines and I hate that with this I won't get to. I fear this is not the end of our tears or waiting or watching others get what we thought we were getting. I hate that. I hate that 'hate' is how I feel about it. I think 'hate' is my way of coping, but I wish it wasn't.

I want to wake up and have it be April... I want to wake up and have this feeling gone... I want to wake up and feel full again... I want to wake up and continue the dream I had to put on hold. The dream I feel was taken away from me. I know that dream isn't dead... but a very special part of me is...